SmokingMonkey.gif~c200First off, let’s be clear what we are talking about when we refer to the word, “backside”. Theoretically, from an anatomy standpoint, it could mean the posterior or dorsal area. Or it could mean any of the major muscles like the trapezius or the teres major or the teres minor. It could mean the shoulder blades, the heel, the calves the hamstring or even the glutes. But it doesn’t. I’m talking about – the butt hole. Sorry to be crude but we just have to say it and get it out of the way. As a matter of fact, my theory with uncomfortable subjects is to simply shout it from the mountaintop until said word becomes so demystified, one can actually appreciate it and understand it for what it really is…  So, here we go – the butt hole, also known as;  the anus, the puckered starfish, the rusty bullet hole, the Hershey highway, the prison purse, the turd cutter, the brown eye, the shit chute, the pudding pincher, the dirt den, the bruised bagel… and my personal favorite, the fart factory. There, we did it. Gross, right? And we didn’t even get dirty in the process. (I’ll come back to that in a minute). Okay, so let’s get technical again, according to WebMD, this area is defined as; “The lower opening of the digestive tract, associated with the anal sphincter which lies in the cleft between the buttocks, through which fecal matter is extruded.” (I’ll come back to that in a minute, too). So, just incase you weren’t clear, there you have it. Now, what do you do with it?  Or better yet, what should you do with it? Well, Imaguy, you just said it yourself, it’s the gateway through which all “dark matter” passes in to the light.  It’s the last stop on the colon carriage. The final journey of that weekend In & Out burger you convinced yourself would jumpstart your diet on Monday because you’d finally gotten all junk food out of your system. Meaning, people eat, food is digested, thereby creating fuel and nutrition for the body, waste is disposed. End of story. That is what that little tiny pink pucker is good for. That’s it. For exit only.  No entry. Closed for business. This traffic only flows one direction. It’s my “private area” so KEEP AWAY and KEEP OUT!! Right?  Right???? Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. According to the Journal of Sexual Medicine and additional research and observations by William Saletan of;  “In 1992, 16 percent of women aged 18-24 said they’d tried anal sex…” – oh, and by the way, when they say “sex” they mean all of it; pumping, licking, tickling, fingering, rimming, penile penetration, device penetration, small household rodent penetration (okay, not that one) – but you get the drift…  “20 percent of women aged 18-19 say they’ve done it, and by ages 20-24, the number is 40 percent. In 1992, the highest percentage of women in any age group who admitted to anal sex was 33. In 2002, it was 35.  Now, it’s 46.”  Ehem (clears throat)…  so, I’m no mathematician – I even had to spell check that word three times to get it right (true story) – but that there is an upward trend if ever there was one.   Now, if you weren’t sitting down before, ya best sit down now…  Also according to the aforementioned research;  “In 1992, the percentage of women in their 20s and 30s who said they’d had anal sex in the past year was around 10 percent. Now that number has doubled to more than 20 percent, and one-third of these women say they’ve done it in the last month…” If you are sitting in your seat, as I recommended, now’s the time to buckle your safety belt. Check out these stats when it came to orgasming; “Among women who had vaginal sex in their last encounter, the percentage who said they reached orgasm was 65. Among those who received oral sex, it was 81. But among those who had anal sex, it was 94. Anal sex outscored cunnilingus…”  OUT…  SCORED…  CUNNILINGUS! Yep, that’s right! No way, uh-uh, this can’t be true, Imaguy! Say it ain’t so!?! It is. Read the data:

Okay, let’s pause for a moment to catch our breath and digest. What does all this mean? Well, I think we’ll all agree that mankind has been obsessed with its frontal torso male and female fleshy protuberances since the day ol’ Adam and Eve looked down at each other, blushed and tee-hee’d with the exclamation; “That goes there??”  And yes, they did say that, look it up, it’s in the bible. Continuing, and while the backside has been embraced by some cultures and sexual orientations as commonplace – ie, add it to the menu! – a huge portion of the population not only doesn’t do anything with it but won’t even talk about it or admit it.  And folks, aye, there’s the rub.  What are we so afraid of?  I mean, it’s a medical fact the anus is an erogenous zone! It has an exorbitantly high concentration of nerve endings!  And gosh darnit, it feels good down there!!  It does.  And we shouldn’t be scared to not only pleasure our mutually consenting partners – but we should enjoy it.

And here’s my message to those of you who haven’t tried it, are neglecting it, or are plain ol’ forgetting it…  think of it like a present. A present nature has given you. An “Easter egg” if you will that you didn’t even know you had. You know that penis or that vagina that’s given you so much pleasure since puberty – well, it’s like I’ve just revealed to you that you have another one! That’s right, two for the price of one!! One on the front and one on the back. A veritable ménage à deux of gratification! It’s a gift! A gift to be enjoyed, explored, unwrapped and experience with that special person. Or heck, even by yourself! Table for one, please! I’ll take the rump roast with a side of finger-flicking-good!  Not only don’t forget it – but revere it! Proclaim it! Exclaim it! Yell out your window for the whole world to hear; “I have a lot more going on than I ever realized and by god I’m gonna do something with it!!!” Get your freak on! Let your anal-flag-fly! Open that sucker up for business like it’s Black Friday at a Target store in Dubuque Iowa! Oh, and don’t forget, like any gift, it’s even better to give than receive!  That’s right – bring forth the good news and deliver it right on your partner’s very doorstep. Leave no stone unturned! Squelch the undiscovered country! Churn it up! Bring some spice in to your life!  get ready to party like it’s 1999, cause you know the late Prince (rest his soul) did it too! Just like the immortal lyrics of his song, “Wonderful Ass”; “I don’t usually have time 2 drink from your glass, But I can always find time 4 your ass”. And for those of you who don’t “speak Prince”, translation, “Don’t forget the backside people!” Now go out there and have some fun with the “brown sun”!