‘I had my first child at 19 and I’ve been running late ever since’

O.K, so that line might be stolen from the film Bad Moms, but it sums me up pretty well. I’ve never claimed to be the worlds best mam; I’m always late, I forget everything, I feed them junk food, I give in if they whine too much, I lock myself in the bathroom to delve into the world of social media and sometimes, I just can’t be arsed to listen to them. But I think all the above is normal, right? And even though my girls are 3 and 10, I can still put it down to ‘baby brain’, yes? These are just everyday parenting fails (or  for survival, maybe?). These are the things people tend to excuse. Then however, we have the epic parenting fails. The ones that you and any other person who witnesses it, will never forget.

The Time I Left Amelia’s Suitcase At Home

Yeah, you read that right. I left my daughter’s suitcase full of her holiday clothes, at home. We’d gone to the Lake District a few weeks ago and as we settled into our room and started to consider getting changed for our evening meal, I asked Dom to fetch the rest of the bags from the car.

Me – ‘Will you go and get the rest of the bags from the car, please?’

Dom – ‘There’s no bags in the car, this was it.’ ***points at one suitcase and one small travel bag filled with iPads and colouring books***

Me – ‘No, there’s one more, Amelia’s rucksack. You did bring it, didn’t you?’

Dom – ‘Me? You told me that all the bags were in the hallway and needed to be put into the boot, and that’s what I did.’

Me – ***starting to realise my error*** ‘There’s definitely one more bag. I brought them all downstairs! Amelia, did you pick up your bag?’ (Amelia would forget herself if she could, so no hope in this. Complete waste of breath)

Dom then goes to the car, as instructed and returns shaking his head. I flop on the bed, head in my hands. What the fuck are we going to do??? What kind of mother forgets to bring her daughter’s packed suitcase? She has no knickers, no trousers, no tops, nothing. Kudos to Amelia for handling the situation like a champ, she wasn’t even phased. I think the fact that she got to wear my clothes for the night helped ease her pain. For my part, I handled it atrociously and flopped on the bed, head in hands, calling off the holiday and declaring myself as the world’s worst mother.

The Time Penny Was The Only Child Without Uniform On

After enduring a full six weeks of being asked ‘is it time to go to nursery yet?’, we were all excited for Penny to start and last week, she did. The information booklet sent out by the nursery stated that uniform was ‘optional’ and, because we’d only just moved into the area, I didn’t know any mams to ask what was the preferred option (even if I did, I would have probably forgotten to ask). So, because we’re talking about a bunch of mud rolling, paint spilling, food slopping toddlers who also like to wee/poo in their pants now and again, I presumed the majority of mothers would opt for clothing that could be ruined without too much upset. Errr….no. As we walked through the nursery doors the realisation hit me, hard. All the other parents stood proudly, parading their tiny humans who were all dressed in uniform green while I stood there awkwardly with Penny who was head to toe in denim. Luckily for me, toddlers don’t pick up on what people are wearing, they’re far too interested in sandpits and playhouses to care, so I redeemed myself (slightly), by running straight to the shops and buying the full uniform ready for day 2. The title of ‘the mam who didn’t buy uniform is slowly fading away – I think.

The Time I Got Penny’s Swimming Wrong By An Hour

Doesn’t sound too bad, but believe me, it was horrendous. Penny loves swimming; she’s been doing it since she was four month old and still she squeals with excitement when I say that it’s swimming time. That night, we’d packed our bags, invited my sister to come and watch, drove the 30 minutes to the pool, put on our swimming costumes and walked into the swimming area. As I stood (in my swimming costume) watching the tiny babies bouncing around in the pool, the instructor shouted across the pool

Instructor – ‘Your class was an hour ago!’

Me – ***getting annoyed that the company hadn’t called to say the class had changed*** ‘Really?!?! Well, no one told me that it was changing times.’

Instructor –  ‘It hasn’t changed times. Your class is always at 5.45pm, it’s now 6.45pm’

Me – ‘Oh.’ ***walks shamefully back into the changing room while trying desperately to think of a reason why Penny must now take off her dry swimming costume and get back into the car***

No surprise, but she cried all the way home and told everyone she met for the following week what I’d done.

Do you have any parenting fails? Please tell me, I need to feel less of a useless mam.

This article was originally published on All That Is She.